Pickles and Flamingos, Handcuffs and Funerals
by Handcuffs-and-Notebooks
Summary: A fish named Fred. Livers that look like Megan Fox. Flamingolike pickles. Light in denial. What more could you want in a crackfic? Oh, you wanted TWO authors? Yeah, we got that too. One Shot.


_**Chips' A/N: **Matsuda thinks that pickles are flamingos, L and Light's handcuffs cause BMWs to go insane, and funerals are held due to the insanity of it all. All in all... It's a great day in the Death Note universe. :3 Enjoy this crackfic of epicness. ^^  
**iPod's A/N:** Uh... yeah. What she said._

**_Disclaimer: Neither of us own _Death Note_, a flamingo, Easter, a potato pie, Charlie the Unicorn, a fish named Fred, or a black-now-red BMW._****Third Person POV**

* * *

Light walked into the Task Room today, feeling particularly happy.

Today was the day...

...

Today was his...

...

Um...

...

Okay, today wasn't all that special. But he was happy anyway.

Of course, that wouldn't last long.

Matsuda walked in, also feeling happy- except he always was so nobody cared- and turned to L to say, "Guess what, Ryuzaki? Guess what, guess what?"

The idiotic Task Force member began to jump up and down like an enthusiastic frog. Yes, even frogs get enthusiastic at times.

"What?" L asked after a couple minutes of 'Guess what?'s.

Matsuda took a deep breath, then declared, "I bought a flamingo today!"

Light's jaw dropped. Just as he was about to question the agent, Aizawa cut in. "No, Matsuda, what you bought was a jar of pickles."

"Oh yeah? Then how come it's pink!" Matsuda challenged.

"Because you painted them pink in honour of Easter."

Light sighed in relief. Of course the Happy-Go-Lucky, yet _incredibly_ forgetful agent didn't have a pet. He could barely take care of himself! "Aren't you too old for painting eggs? Er, pickles?"

Matsuda sighed like Light actually _wasn't_ a genius. "No one's too old to celebrate Easter. It's to celebrate the Easter Bunny rising from the dead!"

"Actually, it's to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead," L corrected.

"So then Jesus is the one who gives me candy every year?" Matsuda asked, looking confused and slightly upset. "Is Jesus the one who gives me presents on Christmas too?"

L sighed and shook his head. He didn't even know what to say. But Aizawa did. The afro-man growled, "Matsuda, _I_ gave you those presents last year for Christmas! I even wrote a note!** Dear Matsu, I love you and hope you love me too! We could be really happy together! Enjoy these brand new socks -Aizawa **but you never wrote back!"

Aizawa ran from the room, stiffling his manly tears, which was really just raindrops coming through his eyes because it was too sunny outside for them.  
Matusda gaped at the door Aizawa ran through.

"Wait! Then why did the socks have a picture of Jesus, Santa and a coke bottle on them?" he yelled, running after afro-man.

Light turned to L. "Did he really paint his pickles _pink_? What an unmanly colour," said the totally-straight teenager.

L blinked. "Don't you wear pink boxers to bed? Are you saying that _you_ aren't manly?"

He tilted his head to the side in an innocent gesture that didn't match his words at all.

Light turned red, not pink, because red was totally manly. He opened his mouth but Mogi's voice was the one that was heard.

"And now you _are_ pink! You're so _unmanly_!" the normally quiet and reserved man shrieked.

"I'm _red_! That's totally manly!" Light turned to L. "And would you mind not talking about what we- I mean, uh, _I_ do in bed?"

Soichiro fainted at the implications.

L snorted and replied, "I wasn't talking about what you _did_. I was talking about what you were _wearing_."

Before anyone else could talk, Matsuda stumbled back into the room. He had a vase shoved over his head. It looked uncomfortable. And oxygenless.

"Matsuda... I don't know if you noticed or not... but you have a vase on your head," Mogi spoke up for the second time that day. It was a new world record. Too bad Guiness was too busy watching a woman sow a stuffed giraffe for her obese gerbil to pay attention to Mogi.

Matsuda lost his balance and fell over, hitting the ground head-first. The impact broke the vase. Dazed, he sat up, seeming unharmed. He blinked and shook his head, then shouted, "I WANT A BALLOON WITH A POTATO-CREAM-PIE ON IT!"

Light just stood up, draging L on his rolling chair via chain, and walked over to Matsu.

And then slapped him. "Shut up. You ruined my perfectly happy mood this morning. I hate you. And Ide, because he copied L's 'no eyebrow' look."

Everyone looked over to Ide, who was laying on the floor and was twitching.

"...Shouldn't we call an ambulance?" Matsuda questioned.

"No," L answered, right away. "Light's right. He copied my look and should suffer for it. Shun on him."

Everyone except L and Light yelled towards Ide, "SHUN! SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER! SHUN!"

Light sighed. "L, last time I checked, this room was filled with agents, not unicorns. Care to tell me if I'm wrong and my eyes are being stupid?"

L turned to him. "... ... LET'S GO TO CANDY MOUNTAIN, CHARLIE*!" he screamed right in the face of his chainmate.

Light screamed, waking up. He turned to L, who was calmly eating his cake. L looked at him and said, "Did you have a nightmare, Light-kun?" Insert innocent L face here.

"...Yes," Light answered quietly, still trying to get rid of the terrifying mental images.

"It must've been from all the hairspray you inhaled." L took another bite of the cake.

"Hairspray...?" Light stared blankly.

"You said, and I quote, 'It will make my organs look as beautiful as my hair.'"

Light blinked, then said, "You're just jealous _your_ liver doesn't look like Megan Fox."

Just to prove him wrong, L dragged Light to a doctor's (at 3am, so they went to the emergency room).

The nurse said, "What's wrong with him?" figuring Light was the sick one.

L snorted and said, "He thinks his liver looks like Megan Fox. I'd like him to have an MRI** to see if he's right."

Because they were hot and wearing _handcuffs_ (which was even hotter), the nurse sent them too the doctor right away. He did an MRI.

The doctor asked Light a few questions, purely for health reasons. "Do you eat potato chips in an epic fashion?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever laughed like a gopher on crack?"

"Yes."

"Do you think Kira is a girly name?"

"No."

The doctor 'tsk'ed. "I have bad news. Either you're gay or you have liver cancer. Unfortunately, I can't decide which. You may go now."

They left, Light trying really hard to hide the handcuffs. He was _not_ gay.

As they were leaving, a random girl pointed at them and shouted, "BONDAGE."

Unfortunately, the girl was standing in the middle of the street, and she was too busy drooling/nosebleeding to notice the giant truck heading towards her.

Luckily L saw it.

He quickly ran into the street (not too close to the truck) and grabbed her hand, pulling her back onto the sidewalk.

The truck missed her by a centimeter. A _centimeter_. Can you comprehend how close that was to hitting her? Get a ruler and measure a centimeter. Then you'll know how close it was to hitting her. So impossibly close.

As Light saw L save her, the girl's words processed through his mind. He was angered with her because she suggested that _he_ was _gay_. And gay with a sexy, intelligent, quirky, lovable, adorable, cute, sweet, brilliant, hot, smart, gorgeous...

What was Light thinking about again? Oh yeah. That he was gay with L!

... Actually, that didn't seem like a bad idea anymore...

Regardless, she called him gay, so she must suffer. Light pushed the girl back into the truck, smiling smugly.

However, said truck was gone while he was day dreaming about L.

L asked him, "Why'd you just push her back into the street?"

Light looked around nervously and thought of an excuse. Like the genius he is, he yelled, "Because she's a criminal!"

L opened his mouth to raise the percentage. However, the sound of the girl getting run over by a BMW stopped him. Said BMW was pure black. _Was_. Now it was black with red stains all over it.

If that girl wasn't dead, she would've owed a _lot_ of money to get that repainted.

Then Matsuda appeared and took the girl away, because he's obviously a voyeur who has a thing for dead girls***.

L completely forgot about raising Light's percentage of being Kira in all of the chaos.

Light wiped sweat that gathered on his forehead. "So..."

L looked away from Matsuda and back to Light. "Yes?"

"Wanna go get sushi?"

"No," L said. He slapped Light and walked away.

Light held his cheek and stood there for a moment. Then he yelled, "ANYONE WANT TO GO GET SUSHI WITH ME?"

Millions of fangirls appeared on the spot, each looking ravenous, and not for sushi. Light gulped. He decided to do something he'd never do in his entire life, just to _save_ his life.

He admitted he's gay. "Uh, I'm gay."

Most of the girls screamed- in delight- and they all ran away, although some only to get cameras for the yaoi.

Mikami showed up, holding his hands together in excitement and eyes glowing in fan_boy_ delight. Light face-palmed. "Screw it, I'm going to go by myself."

The stalker was very sad and went back home to his only friend, Fred the goldfish. Oh well.

**Fin (not Fred's fin)**

**Epilogue**

No one went to the girl-who-got-hit-by-a-BMW's funeral.

Except for Matsuda, Mikami, and Fred. But they really don't count.

Sadly, Fred died in the sunlight, and it was a double-funeral.

But no one other than Matsuda and Mikami cared.

Except they still don't count.

**Double Fin**

...

NO, it is _still_ not Fred's fins! He's dead! Get over it!

**

* * *

**

_**Notes:  
**__*****Charlie the Unicorn is a video- now videos- on youtube. It's retarded, funny, stupid, and awesome. I suggest you watch them because they're very entertaining._  
_******An MRI is an x-raylike medical procedure that allows doctors to see your internal organs._  
_*******Chips wrote that as a reference to my story Ryuk's Revenge and my story used **that** as a reference to one of _SilentReaper_'s comics on DeviantArt(.)com and Youtube(.)com, due to some people. Either way, _SilentReaper_ was the one who gave us the idea of Matsuda being a voyuer so credit goes to her on that._


End file.
